I think we've all made the "vaguebook" mistake of posting a status report that subtly begs your friends to ask you to explain it. You know, like, "Beverly wishes today weren't so hard." The sole purpose of saying something like that is to get people to ask, "Why is today hard? What's wrong?" The best (read: worst) part about that kind of status is usually when people do take the bait, the vaguebooker will reply, "I can't talk about it."
WHA?
Vaguebooking is annoying and self-gratifying, as are most of my F-book pet peeves. CNN had a great article that sums up a lot of these folks perfectly, and my favorite funny Facebook peeves list comes from The Oatmeal, with their illustrated "How to suck at Facebook" list. This one is my favorite:
Of course I have my own list, and it's kind of harsh. As you read it please keep in mind that I am fully aware that I am no better than you at Facebooking and I know I've been guilty of some of these things myself. I'm just calling 'em out because hey, it's my blog, and I can. Bring on the brutal honesty!
The Sad Sack
When the Sad Sack is happy you don't hear much from her, but when she's sad expect hourly updates about how much the world sucks and how hard it is to be her. Sure, we all get the blues sometimes, but frankly the "woe is me" bit gets old. First law of Facebook Club: not every thought needs to be shared.
The over-sharer
* Is my poo supposed to be this color?
* I don't want to go to the doctor so I'm gonna list out all of my symptoms here and let you guys diagnose me. Cool?
* I can pick stuff up with my twat!
* Got so drunk last night that when I barfed I peed myself!
We don't care, we don't want to know, and we don't need those visual images in our heads. STFU!
The braggart
What she says:
"Ran a marathon this morning, then brokered a million dollar deal at work. Now I'm baking a cake from scratch for my hot, wealthy husband while wearing nothing but high heels and an apron!"
What she doesn't say:
"I'm so insecure that I need to pretend to be perfect so people won't notice my debilitating lack of self-esteem."
The Zen philosophers
Every status report is about how enlightened they are and how gorgeous the universe is. Yes, we get it - you're deep.
There's no getting to know these folks, sadly, because they don't ever offer you a glimpse into their lives. It's not like we want constant updates ("I just ate a bagel!"), but spouting off cliches about how to live a better life helps no one and makes the rest of us feel like idiots for still thinking farts are funny.
All lyrics, all the time
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| All the cops in the donut shop say.... |
Sometimes these can be fun. Personally, I like to throw out half a quote and ask people to finish it, because I have some funny friends and their responses amuse me. However, I've got a few friends who only post quotes and they're always random and nonsensical; they sound like half of a Dr. Seuss poem or something. I don't get it and neither do 90% of the people on your friends list. Quit it.
The passive-aggressive type
They're talking to someone on their friends list, that much is clear, but they don't come right out and SAY they're upset with them. They say things like, "I'm so grateful for my REAL friends who stand by me!" These statements are designed to let you know that yes, you suck, and no, you're not a real friend if you don't know what she's talking about.
Get on that, will ya? What's wrong with you?
WTF are they talking about?
I have one friend who comments now and then and never makes a lick of sense. It's as if he's been having a conversation that only he can hear, and now he's responding to something you said in his mind.
Since I'm not psychic OR a code cracker, I usually just ignore these comments only to have him say to me later, "Why don't you ever respond to my comments?"
Uuuuummm.
The shmoopy love birds
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| John Mayer: the face of Schmaltz |
They just love to shout their undying love for one another from the rooftops, resulting in copious schmaltzy declarations about how perfect they are for one another, how handsome/beautiful the other one is, and how their union is better than anyone else's. Not only are these stomach-turning declarations irritating, but it leads friends to wonder if the lady doth protest too much. Sometimes it's the people who feel the need to gush who have the most to hide, perhaps even from themselves.
So sayeth Therapist Bev.
Oh, extra dillweed points for people who sit in the same room and gush about each other on separate computers. Just shoot me in the goddamn head and get it over with.
Okay, hopefully I haven't alienated too many people with my frankness.
Now it's your turn -- what's your biggest Facebook pet peeve?
