If I were any more relaxed, I'd be comatose

'Sup?

I hope you all had a lovely weekend. Mine was good; I did absolutely nothing, and it was everything I hoped it could be.

Saturday was a rainy day, which suited us just fine. We made some eggs and watched cartoons, and I'm not exaggerating when I say that I didn't get out of my pajamas until after noon. When I did change my clothes, it was just to put on fresh pjs after my shower, so I still wasn't exactly setting the world on fire.

What can I say? I needed to decompress! Last week was not terrible for me, but it ended with a bit of a whimper. Friday was just one of those days - I managed to say the wrong thing, say the right thing the wrong way, and generally say entirely too much to just about everyone - and I felt a little kicked around by the time I got home. There's really only one thing to do when life gets to you and you're feeling like that kitten hanging from a tree limb, and that's hide out until you feel better. So I did.



On Sunday I was a little bit more energetic, but not much. I took the boys out to run errands. They both desperately needed haircuts. M was starting to go back into Peter Tork territory with his perfectly round shaggy bowl cut, and D had an honest-to-god rat tail forming at the base of his neck. As you know, we CANNOT HAVE THAT, so it was off to StuporCuts.

M was not thrilled, but he did eventually stop wriggling enough for the girl to cut his hair. When I showed this picture to Jim, he nailed the expression on M's face: "Smell-the-fart acting!" He said, and he was right.



He looks like a totally different kid now! I can't decide if he looks older or younger after the Bowl-ectomy.



And that, kids, is all I've got. For those of you who always comment on how fabulous it must be to be La Bev, what with my concert-going, my girls' nights, and my binge drinking cocktail sipping soirees... remember that most of my weekends are more like this one. In other words, I'm boring too, I just hide it well.

One last thing before I go. If you're not watching Nurse Jackie on Showtime, you should be. This show is wickedly funny and has these fantastic, terrifically-flawed but somehow still likable characters. It's just all kinds of awesome - funny, sad, shocking, eye-opening. For anyone who wonders if doctors and nurses actually do fall victim to addictions, here's a little story for you before I stick a fork in this crappy post and call it done.

My friend K is an RN. She moved to Phoenix, AZ several years ago and got a job at a hospital there. On her second day on the job, she walked into the staff bathroom and found another nurse on the floor of one of the stalls. She ran to help her and found that the nurse had been shooting up heroin in the bathroom at work, and had OD'ed. My friend had to attempt CPR on this young nurse who had just DIED while injecting drugs at work. She didn't live, and K got a very unexpected and unpleasant welcome to her new town.

Oddly enough, she still lives there. Go figure.

So yeah, it happens. Nurse Jackie just makes crazy-wrong subject matter like addiction, secrets, and infidelity kind of funny and touching; and that, folks, is good television.

I Want A Loris

After my last photo I thought I'd better share something cute!

Classic Photography

I know this photo is really wrong but I couldn't stop laughing. That kid is REALLY ugly!

Top Marks Miley

When I got on Twitter today I came across this post from Miley Cyrus. Her comment about this photo is a good example of why I am happy for Miley to be a role model for my seven year old daughter.

'Just F.Y.I my legs DO NOT look like this in real life. That's the magic of a computer my friends. Just thought I would be honest. ' Miley , twitter

FIRE!!!

We had an interesting start to the day yesterday. At 6.45am there was a knock on the door which woke me out of a deep sleep. I cursed the knocker under my breathe and stumbled to the door. When I asked who it was a lady responded - 'Next door is on fire you have to get out!' Well as you can imagine that woke me up pretty effectively.
The kids had woken when they heard the knock so we all pulled on our ugg boots and jumpers, I grabbed the phone, and we headed out of the house. Sure enough next door had smoke billowing out of the roof and things didn't look good. (That's my house on the right - the one down wind of the fire)



Someone must have called the fire brigade just before I did and they turned up within minutes of us leaving the house. As they arrived flames started shooting out of the top of the roof and the wind fanned the flames toward our house. I started to feel rather stressed as I watched the flames lick our roof. The hoses came out not a minute too soon as far as our house was concerned and the firemen immediately started hosing down our roof and the side of the house while they tried to enter the burning house.
5 fire engines, three police cars and a watching helicopter later and they had the fire under control and I felt confident enough to take the kids in to our lovely neighbours for a cuppa and a breakfast of chocolates (the kids thought that was just fantastic). We weren't allowed back into the house for a couple of hours but when they accompanied me back in we found that the water damage they had warned me of had not eventuated and apart from some toxic fumes and the stink of smoke, all was well at Castle Kiely.

By lunchtime, Gidget was back at school and Moondoggie and I had a lovely view of fire trucks and firemen for most of the afternoon.

By the way the burning house was in the final stages of a major renovation and the owners were not living there. Luckily no personal items were lost, just the annoyance of lengthy delays on their now not so renovated home. I'm not sure yet what the damage is but I would assume the inside is pretty much destroyed. Funnily enough, after all the drama the workmen nailed the roof back down and from the street you would not know anything had happened.

So.. a massive thank you to the mystery lady who happened to be taking a walk and warned us of the fire, and to the fabulous firemen who saved my house!

(By the way Surfer Boy had already left for work and missed all the drama - I called him to tell him what was happening and I don't think he quite believed it until he saw the photos.)

Quick Story & a Game

Last night I was sitting on the couch around 11:30, sleepily flipping channels. Jim was sitting over at his computer when I noticed him checking me out in that way. I ignored him.

A minute later, he gives me one of his classic, oh-so-smooth & charming pick-up lines, "So, uh... ya wanna fool around?"

So romantic.

I looked at him like he'd sprouted a second head. The look on my face must have said it all - I was wearing elastic-waist shorts and a baggy, faded t-shirt, my hair was in a messy knot on top of my head, bangs held back by the glamorous and tres chic bobby pin, glasses on, and I was presently chewing on a handful of Tums (shut up). Sex KITTEN, that's me!

I just don't "get" men sometimes.

ANYWHOOOOOO. Let's play a GAME!

Ok, let's play a little game of "Bang, Marry, or Smack." This is a variation on the Howard Stern "Fuck, Marry, Kill," game, but just slightly nicer because, well, I'm slightly nicer than Howard. I think.

Here are your choices, and the rules are simple - of these three celebs, who would you bang, who would you marry, and who would you smack upside de heyd?

For the Men: Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Mariah Carey and Kate Winslet. Go!




For the ladies: Bill Murray, Russell Crow, and Christian Bale. Go!



Don't forget to tell me why, and feel free to do the same gender options if you're so inclined. The OOBH is a judgement-free zone. :)

Quick! What springs to mind --

when you see this picture?




Hmmmm?


Oh, and hey - I stumbled across some terrible boobs yesterday on WWTDD, and because I love you all so much, I took the time to link to the worst (NSFW) ones.



That was cruel of me. I'm sorry! I shall make it up to you:



Ahhhhhhh.

I'm not especially religious, but this picture of True Blood's Alexander Skarsgard makes me believe in a higher power. < drooooooool >

Ok, I need to get a grip, clearly, but it's HUMP DAY! So get humpin'! Hope you all have a lovely day, and may Skarsgod be with you.

BOOKGROUP - FINGERSMITH

It's book group tonight and we are reading the novel 'FINGERSMITH' by Sarah Waters. A few years ago we read her first book - 'Tipping The Velvet' and it was fabulous, so when I saw this in the bookshop earlier this year I had to buy it. I'm yet to find out what the other girls think but those I have spoken to throughout the month have been loving it.

I'm facilitating the discussion tonight and in my research I came across this trailer for the BBC production of 'Fingersmith'. For those of you who aren't readers, I've heard this production is fantastic, as is their 'Tipping the Velvet' production.

Wish me luck and I'll let you know what they think.

Google me hard! (ETA)

I don't go one day without using Google in some form.

Google Analytics

I admit, I'm terrible about actually looking at the data collected by this little widget. I forget for months at a time, but when I do it's always fun to see who came from where, if they were referred or have a direct link, and of course, what they might have searched for that brought them here to my little corner of the internet.

Side note: Once upon a time, there was a smart and funny blogger whose very name can no longer be uttered in our circles. She Who Must Not Be Named, let's call her Straightforward Mama, had to abandon her hilarious and popular blog, and she is sorely, sorely missed. Since she can't do her Google Analytics posts any longer, this one is for her.

Straightforward Mama, we love you! Your memory lives on.*

*ahem*

Anyway. Here's what crazy shite brought people to the OOBH recently:

do your boobs hang low
I get a ridiculous number of hits on this post every. single. day.
Other variations: Saggy boobs, boobs hang low, low boobies, saggy boobs floating in water, saggy funbags, saggy funbags sex

1000 words for boobs
Jeez, I DO talk about boobs a lot, huh? OOPSIE.

it's like i want to throw him out into traffic
Been there.

the naked nymphomaniac
YEAH BABY!

man babies, you're welcome
Got 'em, and yes, you are welcome.

adolescent girls in bikinis
Scumbag!

"rib tips" vacation clip
One of my favorite 2 second lines from Vacation, and one nobody ever gets.

beach chairs for boobs
Your boobs need a whole separate chair? Daaaaamn!

"nyc" places to pick up milfs
Heh.

big tit milf
Present!

And while we're on the subject of MILFs, I also got these:
milf and fuck and manhattan
milf pick up places in nyc
milf-o plaza
milfs
milfs glasses big tits
milfs take it all
milfs.blogspot
mothers love giants cocks
my milf bev
old fay milfs giving head

can women put their boobs over their heads and tie them into a bow??
Uhhhhhh....

clone a cock
I'd love to.

giant cock picture
What about it?

fat retired guy big glasses no tie shoes pictures
Wow, that's specific.

i'm going to be 30 and i have no career
Join the club, brotha. NTTAWWT.

i'm like put my hand in your boobs
Frank, is that you?

ilovecock.com
Word.

And my personal favorite:
pictures of men putting their heads into womens boobs
Heeeeee!

*EDITED TO ADD*
Straightforward Mama LIVES! Or so someone called Anonymous (if that is her real name) said in the comment section. Anon was kind enough to share the following list from her old site. I think you'll see why I was inspired to carry on in her honor. ENJOY!

~QUOTE:
since you mentioned me, (kinda... and because i still have some old search terms saved in a text file that is easily accessible) here are some for your reader's reading pleasure - you know, for old time's sake:

the not-so dirty--
fuck marriage baby
what do you do when you hate the in-laws
lactating mother how to manage in office
how do you draw a eaten sandwich
shitty mother in law
fuced by in-laws (india)

the dirty--
mommy fuck bound
the sun fuck the mooms
fuck moms very well
daddy suck my breast milk
lactating fuck milk

UNQUOTE~

YAY. We love her, don't we? :) Ok, back to the original blatherings by yours truly....

Google Images.

You all know I am having a torrid love affair with Google images, right? I just love throwing in whatever bizarre thought has popped into my head and seeing what crazy crap Google throws back at me. Here are three of the best ones I have found this week (so far). These are the first images that appear in the search, not necessarily the best ones.

Search Term: "Birdy Num Num"
This is a line from a Peter Sellers movie called The Party. I dig it, but I don't know what made me think of it the other day. At all.

I don't know WTF this hand-puppet/Oobie-looking shit is, but rest assured that Peter Sellers was indeed the SECOND picture that came up. Thank goodness.



Search Term: "Giant Hole."

Heh heh. Indeeeeeeeed.





Search Term: "I hate that cat."

Because yes, I do hate that cat. All of our beloved pets have gone to the big dog park/litter box in the sky, except for this bedraggled half-wild furbag. He bites. He's incredibly stupid. He wakes us up all night long, wanting to either come in or go out. He poops outside of the litter box - right outside it! And now... the last straw... he peed on my dining room carpet out of spite and spite alone! He is clearly the devil.

I have no idea how one goes about getting rid of an unwanted 14 year old bastard cat, but I'm thisclose to putting cat nip under my rear tire and letting nature (and automatic transmission) take its course.

(J/K, don't call PETA on me. I could never hurt an animal. I think.)

In other news, my blog doesn't even come up when you search for Ass Bruise anymore, which is probably a good thing, but I can't help but feel a teensy bit empty inside. Sigh... it was fun while it lasted.

So there you have it: fun with Google.

Blankie

This morning while cleaning out the top of the kids wardrobe I came across this blanket

which is the twin of the one Moondoggie had as a baby..

not looking quite the same after 5 years of extreme love! Gidget had dummies - Moondoggie has had this blanket. He sleeps with it, he carries it in his fist when he's feeling anxious, he rubs it on sores when he's hurt himself. Apparently it can fix and soothe anything.

Here he is with both of them! He was flabbergasted when he saw what it originally looked like. He keeps asking if I am sure they were exactly the same. The problem is he is now looking lovingly at the new one!! Best it disappear again before we're stuck with the stink'n blankie for another 5 years.

Estrogen-Fest

Guys, you've been warned. I'm gonna get straight-up girlified on yo' asses today.

On Saturday my friend Laurie and I did a surprise day of beauty for our friend Jill, who just turned 40. Her husband was having a party for her, so we wanted her to look extra sessy for her big night.

We started off with some delicious Italian food and a Spider-tini. Um, ew, what? Yeah - Jill's first glass came with a noticeable chip out of the rim, so back it went just in case the glass was, you know, IN her drink. The fresh drink came out, and just as she was about to take a sip she noticed a teeeeeeeny tiny dead spider nestled in the frothy goodness of her beverage. YUCK! Back it went, and Laurie and I nodded knowingly to each other, thinking, "Hey, free round!"

Except not. Hrumph!

After lunch, we swung by the store to pick up some vino to enjoy at the salon while Jill got gussied up.

BEFORE:

AFTER:


Then it was back to Laurie's extensive closet to get Jill pushed up, sucked in, and outfitted. I even helped myself to an outfit while I was there, and Laurie did my make-up.

Laurie confessed that she thinks I'm "conservative" with my cleavage showing (Hahahahahaha, right?!) and with my make-up. Huh. So I put myself in her hands, and this was the result. Oh, and it was - no lie - 100 humid degrees in her bathroom so I was literally a HOT MESS by the time we got in the car.

We went to Jill's party, and it was fun. Jill was having a good time for sure, and she rocked her new look! We had some tequila drinks and I managed to keep from getting too silly (read: keep my Laurie's clothes on), and we had a good time reconnecting with some friends we hadn't seen in a while. Sadly, no one got naked, and to my knowledge, nothing got broken. BOO.

I will be eating nothing but lettuce and water for the next few days to make up for all the wine, pasta, jalapeno Doritos, and miscellaneous crap that I consumed all weekend. Lettuce, water, and maybe sugar-free gum for dessert. Yeah, that's the ticket.

S.M.G. Watch

Thanks Just Jared

Week in Review

Hello, lovelies! It has been quite a week, huh? What have we learned? Let's review.

Manscaping is alive, well, and taking things to a whole 'notha level. Oh, and there are a LOT more pubic hair styles than I ever imagined possible (read the comments).

Kate posted a new blog entry recently, and somehow many of us missed it and she only got a measly five comments. ::snicker::

Sorry I missed one, Kate! (air kisses... you know I love to stalk you!) Actually, that goes for all of you -- I've missed some of your latest offerings, but it doesn't mean I don't love you like a rock. Give me time. I'll catch up eventually.

Any picture is better when you add a squirrel to it.

Steven Tyler got old and now looks like an elderly Nicole Richie.

Someone we know hit 100 Followers this week (actually, he hit 102, but what am I, some kind of smarty-pants scientist type for whom numbers are of any importance? Uh, nooooooo.). He did a kick-ass post in which he actually had something nice to say about each one of us. Wow. And I thought MY job was boring.

Oh, and people who know me in person, please back me up: I do NOT have Boston accent, right? Sheesh. I'm from VERMONT, people. Not Massachussetts (NNTAWWT). Don't make me vlog!

Mala is good at diving. Who knew?

She also makes amazingly realistic dolphin sounds. Coincidence? I think not!

You're never too old to enjoy being dragged behind a motor boat on a tube.

Today I am sore in places where I didn't even know I had muscles.

Belly Flops even look painful.




Spending good times with good friends sure beats working! Oh, and (500) Days of Summer was cute, but doesn't live up to the hype, IMO.

In related news, my girl crush on Zooey Deschanel now goes to "11."




It's back to the grind now, with school starting for the kids next week, the hubster going back to work (he's a teacher, FYI), and me having to actually work my full four days/week (don't hate!) from now until the holidays. No more well-rested Bev. Boooooo.

Oh well, sleep is totally overrated, am I right?

This weekend should be interesting. Jillinator's big 40th birthday bash is tomorrow night, and I have a feeling things might get a little unruly. We all know that she's a (not so) secret Superfreak, so I'm looking forward to seeing what goes down at her adults-only party. At the least, shit's getting broken. At the most, there will be nudity (not mine). Rest assured, I am bringing my camera, and... say it with me:

THAT'S GOING ON THE BLOG!

kiss kiss!

Beatle Meets Destiny

Imagine your name is John Lennon, only everyone calls you Beatle. And then you meet your dream girl and her name is Destiny McCartney. But what if you're already with the perfect girl?A novel about change, chance and everybody doing the wrong thing.

A friend of mine arrived for a breakfast date a week or so ago, clutching a new book with a big smile on her face. Apparently she had heard about this book somewhere and then had it recommended highly by our local bookshop guru. She couldn't wait to show me knowing how much I love young adult fiction.

The book was 'Beatle Meets Destiny' and I made her promise I could read it as soon as she's finished.

Fast forward to Sunday when Surfer Boy rang to tell me a friend of ours was in the newspaper - phone cut out - and I never found out what she was in for.

Fast forward to Sunday evening and while out with the same friend I mentioned I needed to find the paper as someone I knew was in it but I had no idea what for - when I told her who it was she shrieked!! ' THAT'S WHO WROTE MY BOOK!!!'

It turns out that the book she was so excited about is written by Gab Williams, the wife of my dear friend Wilbur.

What I love most about this is that 'Beatle Meets Destiny' is all about signs and destiny and chance and I feel that is exactly how this book came to me.

Of course I went straight across the road and bought it.

And I'm so excited to say that I absolutely love it.

I couldn't stop reading and I really cared about these characters. It was so refreshing to read a story that was not only set in such a familiar setting, but the emotions and actions of the characters were also familiar.

All the young adult fiction I have read lately deals with dark and angsty subject matter, or the bitchy youth of the upper crust (Luxe is fabulous but ridiculous!).

What I loved most about this book was that these teenagers were all well adjusted, loved, and in the most part - happy. How refreshing. They were also dealing with very similar things to what I remember dealing with waaaay back in the late 80's. I know many things have changed for teenagers since then but the basic tenets are the same, and Gab writes with a very true voice and a lot of humour.

I can't speak highly enough of 'Beatle Meets Destiny' and look forward to Gab's next book of which there had better be one or else!

.

(P.S. the book has just been optioned to be made into a major feature film.)

Eat these. You'll like them.

AKA: A whole lotta random goin' on.

I'm off frolicking in the sun and surf today, but what kind of blogger would I be if I didn't leave you with a few piping-hot noggin nuggets to enjoy in my absence? Not a bevtastic blogger, that's for sure.

Nuggets are best served with a stiff drink. Bottoms up!
(Pervs... don't think I don't know what you're thinking, 'cuz I do.)

Nugget #1

The unthinkable has happened. My mother requested my friendship on Facebook yesterday. Oh, the horror! The shame! The guilt! I couldn't very well ignore her, could I? I couldn't pull the whole, "Oh, I never got a request. How strange!" line with the woman who gave me life, could I? Could I?!

No. No, I could not.



So I let her into my inner-sanctum. Now she will know that her 2nd born is a zany little perv who enjoys witty banter about extremely unlady-like subject matter. Sex, drugs, and rock n' rolllllll, mama! Aren't you glad you sent me to the good schools to get edumacated?

I have taken measures to ensure the safety of my blog, however. The day she discovers the OOBH is the day I pull up my stakes and relocate this circus tent, with all of you lovable freaks inside. I'll do it! Don't test me.

Nugget #2

The other day I was reading Dlisted and my kid came up and looked over my shoulder at the screen. He saw this picture, and this is the conversation that transpired as a result:


D: "What is that?"
Me: (laughing) "You mean who is that?"
D: (looking doubtful) "Um, ok. Who is that?"
Me: "That's Rosie O'Donnell. She's on TV."
D: "Ugh. Why?"




Good question, son, and keenly-observed. Yes, you may have a Popsicle now.

Bev's Noggin Nuggets, served fresh (semi-)daily. Bon appetit!
Sorry, no refunds.

Beautiful

Amanda Seyfried will always be Veronica Mars' very dead best friend to me and I am loving this photo from her latest photo shoot for Allure magazine.

Would you look at those eyes!

MELBOURNE!

I don't know if you saw this in The Age - but in case you missed it like I nearly did you may get a smile out of this...
YOU know you're from Melbourne if …
- When diarising anything in September you first consult the footy fixture.
- You were shocked when you found out not all street directories are called Melway.
- When everyone knows where a bar, cafe or restaurant is you no longer want to go there.
- You know Sunshine, Rosebud and the Caribbean Gardens are not as good as they sound.
- You consider yourself a socialist yet you drive a European car and have a cleaner.
- You'd rather sit next to Guy Rundle on a plane than Guy Pearce.
- You've attended a children's party that had rice-paper rolls, cous cous salad, croquembouche and a pinata.
- You or someone you know has received a grant.
- It's not Noosa, it's Noysa. It's not snow it's the snoy. And it's Malvern now, not Chadstone, thanks to rezoning.
- You refer to rococo furniture as "very Franco Cozzo".
- You felt betrayed when you discovered Melbourne was not the only place in the world with trams.
- You think the slogan on our licence plates should be "Melbourne. The Coffee Is Shit Anywhere Else", "Melbourne. Go To Sydney. We Hate Tourists" or " Melbourne. What School Did You Go To?"
- You know the word ''Moomba'' means Up Your Bum, White Man.
- You're not happy Melbourne has been voted the World's Most Liveable City. You'd prefer it was voted "Most Enigmatic, Tortured And Slightly Dangerous City".
- You think the only person who looks good with a moustache is Ron Barassi.
- You've looked out the window of Puffing Billy and waved like an idiot at the cars at the railway crossing. And you've watched Puffing Billy pass as you sat in a car at the railway crossing, and waved like an idiot.
- You think beyondblue does great work but you hate the way it makes Jeff Kennett look good. Which is depressing.
- Any music by Paul Kelly makes you suddenly think of the Nylex sign and something about making gravy.
- When you meet someone from Kew, you always ask "Near Kew?"
- Jon Faine shits you but you can't switch him off.
- You've been to the Royal Melbourne Show and the scariest ride is the train home.
- You don't get the jokes about the Yarra. Or Melbourne weather.
- When you hear the word ''Bougainville'' you think of Northland.
- You don't judge people on their looks, wealth or status but on the bread they buy, the coffee they serve and the newspaper they read.
- You know a kid with two mummies.
- You pretend the Sydney-Melbourne rivalry doesn't exist. Which it doesn't. Because Sydney doesn't care. And that really shits you.
- You brag Melbourne is the creative capital of Australia, but your walls are full of signed football jumpers.
- When someone says thanks you say, "No Dromanas."
- When you hear the word ''Easter'' the first thing you think of is the Royal Children's Hospital Appeal and Zig and Zag. And then you quickly think of something else.
- If someone is referred to as a ''showbag'' you know it means they're cheap and full of shit.
- Your kid's favourite foods are sushi, spanakopita and felafel. Which are also the names of the three kids they sit next to at school.
- If a friend gets a new boyfriend or girlfriend, your first question is, ''Who do they barrack for?''
- You think if we all ignore Federation Square, Docklands and Robert Doyle they'll go away.
- You can list all the ingredients in pesto. And you're three years old.
- Cup Day. Gambling at 9am. Drunk by noon. Broke at 3.20pm. Asleep by 4pm. Hungover at 5pm. All while at work.
- You think Aberfeldie is a tartan, Coonan's Hill is a wine and South Wharf is in Sydney.
- Chopper Read, Ned Kelly, Squizzy Taylor, the Morans and the Williamses. Sure they're crims, but we all agree they've given the place colour.
- You lose respect for friends if they move over the other side of the river.
- When holding a dinner party, you know the point is to serve food no one has ever heard of, from a country people didn't know existed, bought from a little shop they'll never be able to find.
- You were against the casino but, you have to admit, it does keep the bogans out of the city.
- Pot, cantaloupe, potato cake and hook turn. Build a bridge and get over it.
By Catherine Deveny

Things I'm terrible at (but do anyway)

There are a bunch of things that I'm admittedly horrible at doing, yet I enjoy them so I do them anyway. I don't have any desire or wherewith all to improve in these areas; I am completely at peace with my mediocrity. As Mark says in Garden State, "I'm okay with being unimpressive. I sleep better."

So, here's the list, fresh out of my noggin. See? It's still steaming.

Singing

I love to sing. I love music, I love lyrics, and I love Karaoke. Yeah, I have no problems getting up in front of a crowd and wowing them with my incompetence, all in the name of a good time. My voice is... not strong, in fact I tend to lose it easily. I also "can't carry a tune in a bucket," as my dad used to say (with love!). Another ingredient in this recipe of suck is the fact that when I have had a few drinks, I suddenly think I'm P!nk or Joan Jett. I commit! I shake a tail feather, and I belt it out, all the while thinking that I sound pretty damn good, and hell, I know the words so why not sing?

Dancing

I love to dance. I can't hear certain songs without grooving a bit, and I love to car-dance (not in a Tawny Kitaen kind of way) and chair dance (not in a stripper kind of way, ok... sometimes). I mean, just because I'm forced to sit down does not mean that I can't bust a move.

Yet again, when alcohol is involved, shit is getting broken. I'm all about the hips/shoulder shimmy, and yeah... I make crazy Bev-faces too. Shocking, I know. I rock the "white man's overbite" from time to time, and at some point in the evening you know I'll be doing the robot. It's my go-to move.

In short, I probably look like a total ass, but I have fun. So suck it. :)

Photoshop

Every once in a while, I like to mess around with Photoshop for kicks. I know how to do a few things, but am kind of a jack of all tools (HEH!), master of none. Case in point - I made this one years ago when Mala and I used to play around on MySpace all the time:


Why? Because I felt like it, that's why, and it made me laugh. In fact, I still laugh whenever I see it! Should I quit My Crap Job and pursue an exciting career in graphic design? Hell no! But I love me some Photoshop.

So there it is: proof that you don't have to excel at something to find it amusing. Proof that sometimes making an ass of yourself can be fun for all involved. Further proof that I have no shame.

My weekend, by any other name...

would still have been boring. I've had a case of the Lazies lately. Well, a worse case than usual, since I'm never exactly a ball o' fire when it comes to, ya know, doing stuff.



On Friday night we had my visiting ILs over to the house for dinner. I found an even BETTER deal on lobsters than we got last week - $3.99/lb! - so we had surf & turf and all the fixin's. I made waaaaay too much. After dinner, we even got the parental units to play Rock Band with us, which was pretty hilarious. They didn't know any of the songs but they gave it the ol' college try, and before too long MIL was warbling along to "Carry on my Wayward Son" and FIL was banging his gong, er, beating his skins... um, playing the drums.

Apparently my BILs and their now-wives had been telling tales out of school about what a rock star I am, but I wasn't feeling particularly crazy (read: drunk) so I kept things tasteful for them. They don't get to see "That Bev." I got my Bowie on, and I wowed them with a stirring rendition of Weezer's "Buddy Holly," but I decided not to go all Boston, Who, or even Bon Jovi on them. Breakin' them in easy, don'tcha know.

On Saturday, we sat around the house for quite a while. Jim finally motivated and took the little dude over to the lake, and eventually Danny and I followed them over for a swim. It was hotter than a titch's wit in a brass bra (what?), but the water was delightful and we just can't keep the boys out of it. Jim and I even took a canoe ride for the first time in years. Actually, the last time I was in our canoe was right before I got pregnant with Danny; it was a long weekend camping/canoeing trip that we took with some friends down a river up in Maine. We used to go every year, but then we got old and had kids. Pbbbbbbtthhht.

It was lovely in the canoe. Jim did most of the work, and I just lay back, dangled a hand in the water, and admired the view. Very relaxing, depsite my husband's repeated requests for me to flash him some boobage. Men. (FWIW, you know I did)

Saturday night we just stayed home and had pizza, then watched The Wrestler after the kids went to bed. Well, I watched it; J was exhausted from paddling my butt around the lake all day, so he slept through it. I liked it a lot, even though it was quite sad. I especially loved the scenes of them on the boardwalk and inside the abandoned Convention Center in Asbury Park, NJ, which is where my favorite Grandmother lived for years. My sister and I would go visit her in the summer, and those are some of my fondest childhood memories. The gorgeous ocean, the mini golf, the merry-go-round (my dad was tall enough to catch the brass ring for a free ride), the giant lollipop I'd get even though it cut my tongue up... GOOD EFFING TIMES!

On Sunday we were even lazier, and just stayed home. It was over 100 degrees out, which in my book makes it too hot to move. So we didn't.

Later on, we took the kids out (in their pjs) for ice cream, picked up some dinner, and came home in time to watch a damn fine episode of True Blood. HELLO - Eric and Sookie hookin-up! Yeah, baby. It's about time... you know I'm Team Eric, all the way.

Funny story - in the car on the ride home, the kids were a little sugared-up and a lot noisy. D started doing something that ordinarilly would make me absolutely insane with annoyance, but I was all mellow and full of 'scream so I went with it. D started yelling, pretty loudly, just like this:

"Aaaaaaagh!"
"Aaaaaaagh!"
"Aaaaaaagh!"


Then M joined in.
"Aaaaaaagh!"
"Aaaaaaagh!"
"Aaaaaaagh!"

Jim and I were looking at each other, and it was just so crazy and loud that I realized I couldn't beat them (but I wanted to), so I joined them.

"Aaaaaaagh!"
"Aaaaaaagh!"

Then Jim joined in.

"Aaaaaaagh!"
"Aaaaaaagh!"
"Aaaaaaagh!"
"Aaaaaaagh!"

Until we were all laughing. If I didn't laugh, I'd kill them, because I'm an amazing mother.

The End.

And He's Actually My Age!

I went and saw The Ugly Truth last night at the spur of the moment and gee am I glad I did! The beautiful Gerard Butler provided me with many lustful thoughts and I have had a little smile on my face all day today thanks to him.

I think it was a good film, although I may be wrong as I was really only watching Gerry and have very little idea about the rest of the movie!

Aaaah! It's so fun having a crush.

Look Who I Found!!!

I'm very excited - look who I'm following on Twitter -

Yes indeedy it is the divine Mr Christopher Atkins!!!! I couldn't believe my luck when I stumbled across him. He was beautiful in Blue Lagoon but he completely won my heart when he played Frederick in 'The Pirate Movie'. He was hilarious and cute as always, with - who knew - major vocal talents ('How Can I live Without Her' being a perfect example)

Personally I think he is looking fantastic and I can't wait to see what he's up to now. Maybe I'll tweet him and see if he replies - Aaaagh! Too exciting!