Living Through Grief

I sure don't feel like working today, yet here I am, typing away and smiling benignly at my inexplicably cheerful coworkers, trying to ignore the fact that my pants must have shrunken in the wash again because why else would they be cutting into my waist like this?  THIS is why I hate pants, folks.

What else could it be?  I dunno.  Possibly the immediate results of the Burger King chicken sandwich that I crammed into my mouth on Friday night while driving my entire family around in the Odysexy?  Noooo, that couldn't be it.  Maybe the fact that I haven't felt good for about two weeks now so I've been using my treadmill as a towel rack?   Nawww.  Can't be.  It's gotta be that stupid defective dryer.

I would really rather be at home in my comfy flannel pants, playing with my pussy.

What did you think I meant, ya' pervs?  ;)

Happiness is a warm modem.

Her name is Luna and she is 9 weeks old. She's just precious and we're heaping affection on her to help get her adjusted to her new home. Of course, a 3 year-old's version of "heaping affection" is more like chasing/grabbing/holding her around the middle with her little legs dangling, but so far she seems to be tolerating all that love very well.

It's funny, because I didn't realize how much I missed having a pet in the house until we got one. I've always had animals - always, until last year when we lost our dog and both cats to separate illnesses.  Jim and I needed some time to recover, but recently we decided we were ready, and more importantly, the kids were ready for a furry friend.

So, we added a family member and I can't stop smiling about it! I'm on the look-out for a male orange kitteh to complete our pussy pack, but we're in no rush. Next Spring we may even venture back into dog-land. Things are finally coming full-circle for me after everything got tipped on its ear in 2009, and it's wonderful to feel like my old self again. As difficult as it was to lose my father, my grandmothers, and all my pets last year, I now see that I have gained so much... and not just in my thighs.

I made some wonderful new friends online (that's you!), I rediscovered a direction for my creativity and I finally see what will hopefully be a light at the end of the tunnel that is my boring financial job, some day.  Most importantly, I'm able to fully enjoy my family again. I've always loved and appreciated them, don't get me wrong, but during my worst months of grieving I felt like I was just going through the motions. I felt like I was missing out; I had disconnected myself on some level. I now realize that I was more introverted than I ever had been before, which is natural when you have a wound inside that no one else can see or heal.

Now, at last, I have more happy days than sad. I'm finally able to stop obsessing over things and people that don't matter in the long run.  A year after my Dad died, I felt like a spell was lifted -- but it still took another 6 months to feel like ME - yet somehow with more wisdom and sparkles and shit.

After all.

La Bev is happy. I'm an optimist but also a realist.  I don 't rely on the actions of others to determine my mood.  I don 't let anyone tell me what I can't do.  I love my children and my husband more than anything.  I believe in things that can't be seen.  I believe that everything happens for a reason - even the bad things.  I am trying not to take everything so personally because the world is filled with fucked up people who will try to make you feel like you're the crazy one if you let them.  I won't let them anymore.  I am a work in progress, just like Lindsay Lohan.

Here's Linds just last week, working on her progress.

Haha, I was kidding about that last part - thankfully I'm nothing like Lindsay Lohan!  Well, except that I like to party (but responsibly!) and I love petting furry kitties.  Heh heh.

So anywho, if anyone is still listening, thanks for being patient while I went on and on.  A good friend of mine once told me that there's no way around grief; you have to go through it.  I think that's a very accurate way to look at it, and finally I feel like I'm coming out the other side again.  Yay, me.

XOXO