The Meat Market: who's on & who's off?

It seems that nothing is quite as cyclical as Hollywood romances. New couples pop up among celebrities like dandelions on my freshly-mowed front lawn, and when the weeds are mowed over a week later ten more couples crop up in their place.

Recently we've had some big break-ups, so I thought I'd do a handy little scorecard for those of you keeping track at home. Who is currently footloose & fancy-free and who is still tied to the ol' ball and chain? Naturally, I can't cover all of them, but there are a few biggies that come to mind first-thing. Let's go to there.

Back on the market*

Sandra Bullock and Jesse James officially ended their marriage last month. Can you blame her? The dude screwed around with every embarrassing skank under the rock sun.

Here's hoping Sandy has better luck next time!





They kept it Common Law for twenty-three years, but last summer these two enigmatic beautiful people called it quits, leaving the rest of us shlubbs to wonder if long-term monogamy is really possible at all.





Mel Gibson and Oksana Grigorieva split up amidst swirling controversy and more allegations that he's a misogynistic (and let's not forget anti-Semitic) douchebag.





Good news for guys who like beautiful, talented, 420-friendly actresses! Charlize Theron and her boyfriend of 9 years, Stuart Townsend, broke up.






By all accounts, Jim Carrey has been clinging to his remaining shred of sanity for decades now and Jenny McCarthy is a few sandwiches short of a picnic, so it shocked no one when they got together and dated for five years.

What did shock us was when they broke up last April. If those two crazy kids can't make it work, is there any hope for the rest of us? (Yes, I'm kidding)





The "seven-year itch" is alive and well, apparently. Sam Mendes and Kate Winslet had no other reason for ending their seven year union other than they "grew apart," which I think is code for, "wanted to sleep with other people."

Why would anyone give up Kate Winslet? I can't imagine.



*No, I'm not mentioning the recent Bachelor break-up because
A) I don't watch that shit
B) I don't care, and
3) They're not real celebrities, IMO.

Off the market

Sorry, fellas, Megan Fox is officially a married lady. She wed former 90210 "star" Brian Austin Green last weekend.







I must be the only person on the planet who doesn't watch Glee, but I do love Jane Lynch! I've laughed along with her screwball, straight-faced antics through all of the Christopher Guest films and quoted her lines from The 40 Year Old Virgin.

Jane recently wed her long term girlfriend Dr. Lara Embry. WTG, Jane - landing a doctah! Congratulations.




Mena Suvari, who I will always be fond of because of her role in one of my favorite movies, American Beauty, married a twenty-five year old concert producer named Simone Sestito in Italy last weekend.

If this photo is any indication, any resulting children will definitely inherit the unfortunate five-head gene. Ouch.




Han Solo and Ally McBagel tied the knot after dating for eight years (and acquiring a rather unfortunate and inexplicable old man earring).

Congrats to the happy couple! Let's hope Calista lays off the plastic surgery and tucks into some carbs now that she has snagged herself a hottie!

Recently engaged celebs (AKA not yet officially off the market)

Kellie Pickler
Carrie Underwood
Orlando Bloom
America Ferrara
Valerie Bertinelli

That's all I've got, and my fingers are sore from all this Googling (that's what she said!). Who did I miss?