Last night after the kids were safely tucked up in their cozy beds, dreaming their kiddie dreams, the hubster and I decided to watch a movie. I had recorded The Watchmen a few nights ago after hearing about it from our friends Mr. & Mrs. Mala. That is to say, we had heard that it wasn't very good but that there was a rather scandalous "practically soft-core pr0n" scene in it that had made a mother and her teenage son leave the audience when they saw it in the theater.Of course when they told me about the booty scene, I was sold! I can dig a comic book movie from time to time; I've suffered through every Batman & Spiderman movie ever made and can even add both craptastic Hulk movies to my resume. The Superman movies are classics, IMO; even the dreadful Superman III has it's moments! So I figured, how bad can it be, especially if there's a good bit of super-sex to spice things up?
It was the worst movie I've ever seen in my entire life. I HATED IT. As in, it was so bad that it made me angry.
First of all, it was boring. Each dark, rainy scene was more dreary and dull than the last, and even two hours into the movie we still weren't 100% sure about the details of plot. What is the point? Something about nuclear war? Something about Richard Nixon (worst movie make-up job I've ever seen, btw)? I really couldn't tell you. Secondly, it was gory. Gratuitous compound-fractures punctuated every fight scene, and if I wanted to watch someones hands being cut off with a circular saw I'd go rent one of the umpteen million torture pr0n movies out there instead of a movie about supposed crime-fighters.
Third, and this isn't a complaint so much as a WTF kind of thing - since when is full-frontal male nudity suitable for an R rating? The blue dude was hanging low and loose throughout the entire movie! Again, not complaining, but... weird! What is UP with Papa Smurf's shlong? We saw it so often it was practically its own character in the movie. Get some BVDs on that guy!
Oh, and the sex scene wasn't all that great either. Sure, we saw Patrick Wilson's gorgeous, firm hiney doing the bump & grind, but we see that in Little Children a lot more and it's A LOT HOTTER. Like, a lot hotter.So, after watching this piece of trash for two hours I paused it to see if it was going anywhere and found that it still had an HOUR to go. An f'ing HOUR more. Three hours? Really?!
We threw in the towel and agreed that it was the worst movie we'd ever seen, which is saying something because I've seen some real piles of road apples disguised as film in my 30-some-odd years of movie-viewing.
We actually felt dirty afterwards and decided to watch something else so we could go to sleep without horrible images etched onto our mind's eyes. It's bad when you put on TLC's Hoarders and it soothes you back into feeling like the world is a normal place.
So, there you have it: the worst movie I've ever seen, ever.
What's yours?
